To Meihui

Was I wrong when I blogged abt this on the 20th? I guess I am. Because you're feeling angry and hurt, and I just know, that our friendship will nv be the same again. My feelings on this are all mixed up together that I do not even know if I'm angry, indignant, guilty or simply sad. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing, writing this on the Internet. But if I don't, this matter will just stay stagnant at this stage because we will definitely not talk this out face to face. I purposely dragged posting this till today because I didn't want my feelings to crowd my thinking.

After reading your blog, I can't help but realise that I don't know you at all. Why do we always expect ppl to understand us, when we don't tell ppl what had happened? I'm guilty of that, and so are thousands of ppl out there. I don't require you to pour out troubles to me if you don't want to. I just want an explanation. Not some excuse so that you can get out of the situation. 4 years, and you can't tell me that it's a family problem? I won't force the details out of you, you should know that. You can post on your blog that you have a problem and you can't tell me that in MSN? Am I such a failure as a supposedly good friend that you can't tell me that? I'm hurt too, you know that? I'm hurt because you would rather misunderstandings arise between us than tell me the truth. I'm hurt because after more than 4 years of friendship, I realise that we are not "good friends" after all. And I'm hurt because despite the time we spent together, we don't know each other at all.

Because of this matter, I find that I don't really understand you at all, and I know that all along, you have never known me. Almost nobody does.

I have no idea what my point is, for writing all these. But I guess, that our main issue is no longer the matter on Thurs. Our problem is communication. I can't believe that communication problems exist between friends too. How on earth did that happen?

At first, when I started writing this entry, I was feeling all indignant and upset that you had made things out to sound as if I was blaming you for all the wrong reasons. Then as I wrote the entry, the anger wore off, and I started to feel sad because you kept so many things from me and we just don't feel like friends anymore. This is the first big quarrel that we have in so many years, and I just don't know what to make of it. I really don't know what else to do other than to apologize. So, I'm sorry. Really really sorry for making you upset when you had enough things to worry about already. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions abt your reasons which resulted in the misunderstanding.

I don't know if it's me who made it so difficult for you to confide in, but I just want to tell you to treasure Jane and Xiurong. You know, I even feel a little jealous of Jane 'cos you tell her so many things. I don't remember doing any significant stuff for you before, and I seriously can't say that for the past 4 or 5 years, I have been a good friend to you. So I guess it is my bad, for putting you off. Maybe I was too assuming, too straightforward, too fierce, too demanding. And perhaps I moved too fast, said too much. Most probably, I came across as selfish.

I do not know if this entry will help salvage our friendship, but this is my peace offering. Sort of. You might decide to avoid anything to do with me for the next few days or even weeks and miss this, or you might read this the very next day I publish it. I just hope that we won't let this matter fester and infect our friendship fatally.

And lastly, I have some self-preserving things to say. I might offend you all over again, but I need to get this off my chest. I won't deny that I was pissed off when you told me that you'll miss our gathering because you were feeling tired from work. I would never act all happy and nonchalant when I am fustrated that once again, there's somebody absent from the group. I dislike ppl to do that to me so I don't do that to people.

I know you're going to act as if all these had never happened, that this conflict had never arisen and come between us. But is it going to help? Will the problem just go away and nv come to bother us again? After your entry and mine, I don't think so. Everytime you tell me or us that you cannot make it for a certain gathering, I'm going to wonder if the reason you tell us is true or another fabrication you came up with to protect yourself. This time, I really cannot just put this matter aside.

And I know you're really upset with me, because I don't think the others were are upset with you as I was. After reading Cheng's and ur msgs on both ur blogs, I just feel so, I dunno, inadequate as a friend, because I can't put this matter behind us, and because of many other reasons. I'm going to stop here, because I've said a lot. I've a dozen other stuff to say, but they will just come out wrong. Thanks for you card again.